I’ve been writing this post in my head for nearly two months. Two months since WE GOT ENGAGED! I’ve written some up-close and personal posts over the years but how could I possibly encapsulate the best thing that’s ever happened to me in a blog post?
I really couldn’t. And to be honest, I didn’t really want to at first. I wanted to stay completely present and bask in this most magical, beautiful time. Life doesn’t happen on a screen and I didn’t want to miss a thing. But once Ty and I had told our families and friends, picked a date and started wedding planning (which we are having way too much fun doing), I STILL didn’t write this post. Why?
Because a part of me has always felt just the teensiest bit guilty about the good things that come my way. Like I don’t deserve them—even though I do. We all do.
Welcome to my inability to receive. It’s the part of me that gets giddy as a schoolgirl and grateful to the point of tears whenever something good happens . . . until I start wondering if the Universe has made a mistake and the other shoe is inevitably about to drop. Brene Brown calls this foreboding joy. “Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” Brown says. “And if you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.”
I’ve been doing this my entire life. Protecting myself from future scenarios. Mentally preparing myself for the moment when the bottom falls out. When something good happens, part of me won’t allow myself to truly feel it because then I risk the pain of losing it.
Only this time, I know in my heart that the Universe didn’t make a mistake. I found the love of my life and I can’t lose him because love doesn’t work that way. Love is a choice. You build it and nurture it. Ty and I fell in love like they do in rom-coms, on a blind date set up by mutual friends. Everything changed that night, including us. We’ve been learning about ourselves and each other ever since, with all of the messiness and wonder of a relationship that is worth working for. In him, I found a true partner, one who challenges, supports and holds space for me no matter how neurotic I get. He’s my best friend and my spirit animal. I may have won the lottery, but it’s love—not luck—that we are celebrating now.
Now, who’s ready for wedding Pinterest boards?!